The running tradition is that I go to work on my birthday, forget about my birthday, and am reminded that it's my birthday by someone at work.

Now, I'm stuck at home (I didn't even get to work a full week, this week--Monday was a holiday, Tuesday morning I fell ill, and I ended up taking sick-time from Tuesday- to Friday-afternoon), and my girlfriend has been reminding me that today is my birthday for the past week--no, longer than that....

I'm not really sure what the problem is--why I find this so upsetting.

Maybe it's that I'm convinced that I'm going to be stuck alone at home with nobody to remember my birthday--not that that really makes sense. My girlfriend will be here, at least for some of it, I guess (excluding her guitar-lesson), but I'm at least half-expecting her to insist on us doing what she wants to do; maybe my brother will show up, at some point (I have no idea where he is, right now).

The folks at work will hear it over the PA, after the fact, which is just... not as charming.

My friends won't know, or won't remember, but that's OK--I can't remember any of their birthdays, either; but at least I'd make the trip to go see them, just to be with them. Some times, I think that they just want me as a prop in their games.

I guess it's time, again, to ask myself whether or how I should change myself to make people want to be with me....

Maybe it's that I'm really expecting my birthday to end up being just like any other day, when I wish that it would be different--that it would be better. Is that wishing that all of the other days would be worse? Maybe I wish that they'd all be better. I wish that I had the time to write all of the thoughtful responses that I owe people--I wish that I didn't keep them waiting. Maybe I'll dedicate this birthday to getting that done. Maybe I'll dedicate my birthday to getting something done. Anything.

Maybe it doesn't really have anything to do with birthdays.

I don't know.

I don't know that I want to have birthdays anymore.

[2007-02-24_05:44: meta-source]